The streak of new winners is almost over, so let’s enjoy the last bits of it. Hosted in Belgrade, this contest featured 43 countries - the highest number of countries ever (tied with 2011 and 2018). This was clearly too much for the EBU, so they decided to split it into two semifinals with 10 countries qualifying from each. The countries would also be seeded based on voting patterns to reduce bloc voting. As for the changes in the lineup, Austria was having a sulk over not doing well with their terrible songs, so they withdrew. On the other hand, Azerbaijan and San Marino made their debuts. This means that only Australia’s debut is left. And I’m sure every country sent their best effort to this contest, so all 43 entries will be amazing! Right? Right????
I’m so happy I can finally number the semifinals. This means we’ll no longer have 14 undeserved entries in the final, we’ll only have four. Something we also don’t have is any high-quality footage of the semifinals these years, apart from the footage that comes from NRK’s broadcast. Unfortunately, it also comes with Norwegian commentary, which I don’t understand at all, but whatever, I’ve sat through quite a lot of foreign-language commentary I couldn’t understand to watch some of the 60s and 70s shows. So what’s another one?
Anyway, the semifinal opens with a children’s choir (meh) and medley of previous entries (and by that, I mean Waterloo and Volare, because those are the only songs that exist) performed on brass instruments and some dancing, so basically nothing too interesting. Our hosts - Jovana Janković and Željko Joksimović - come out on stage to welcome us all and quickly crack some jokes. These two got married later on, and watching these shows makes the chemistry between them quite obvious.
I’m very underwhelmed by Montenegro (again). It isn’t awful, but it’s plain and mediocre. It has absolutely no wow factor to it and I certainly wouldn’t have expected it to qualify. Montenegro will have to do a lot better than this to interest me. At least the singer looks smiley and nice, so I hope he’s doing well.
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with Eurovision. If some countries insist on treating it like a total joke and send absolutely worthless crap, then why should I treat it with any modicum of sincerety? Because this is just the biggest pile of shit ever. It isn’t funny at all, so it fails as a joke entry. The music isn’t any good either, so it completely fails as a song. The vocals are also dreadful, and the fact that it’s on purpose makes it even worse - it’s easy to forgive inept vocalists who are simply trying to achieve their dream, but it’s almost impossible to forgive people that try to irritate me on purpose. And I know that it’s on purpose because these guys are actual legitimate musicians. One of them even conducted Estonia’s 1996 entry. Somehow, this isn’t even the worst song this year, though it still makes me wish that neither summer nor light existed so that this song wouldn’t have been made.
This is cute! It’s very uncompetitive, but it’s cute. It’s very artistic with the teddy bear and the sofa and all that. There was certainly an attempt to tell some sort of story here and make something serious. While that didn’t work out perfectly, it’s such a stark contrast after Estonia’s entry that I can’t help but like this a lot more than I probably should. But I think I would’ve liked it anyway as I love this sort of misunderstood artsy stuff. It just appeals to me because it feels so raw and unpolished.
Ok, Europe, we need to have a talk. I understand why this didn’t qualify - it’s hardly accessible to a casual audience with its dark atmosphere and minimalistic instrumental, but surely it didn’t deserve dead last place, even below Estonia and Ireland? To be honest, it deserved a way better place in general - it’s a certain qualifier for me. In fact, in the field of songs we got in 2008, it’s an easy top five song in general. It’s just a really great rock ballad that I find myself returning to very often. Oh what I’d give to see what score it got from the juries, as they probably managed to appreciate this a lot more properly.
To be honest, I have no idea how I feel about this song. On one hand, it’s actually really cute, but it also fries my brain on the other hand. In fact, I’ll just copypaste a review of it I did in a Reddit comment:
It sounds like a Slavic language. In fact, some of its lines can be understood as normal Ukrainian phrases if you rewrite them a bit. The phrase “O julissi na jalini” sounds very much like “Oj u lisi na jalini” (I’m using <j> to represent j since the song does the same), which means “Oh, in a forest on a spruce tree”. The next one, “O julissi na ditini” (which sounds like “Oj u lisi na ditini”) means “Oh, in a forest on a child”. It also contains words like “Kolosali” which means “rocked” (as in, rocked a child to sleep), “krokodili” (crocodiles) and a lot of words that are almost real words, but with weird Esperanto-like conjugation. For example, “Sestrone” sounds like “sestro”, the vocative form of the word “sister”, but with a weird suffix “-ne” at the end. It feels like someone took Esperanto and replaced the Romance vocabulary with Slavic one, but kept the Romance-like conjugation. In general, it sounds like traditional Ukrainian folk music (especially due to starting some of the phrases with “oj”, which is very common in our folk music), though the uncanny valley similarity mostly puts me off and makes my brain itch in a weird way. It’s like it starts trying to interpret the language as if it’s Ukrainian, fails again and again and kinda shuts down.
That said, I appreciate the risk taken here. While I just can’t like it because of how weird listening to it feels, I respect this entry.
This is certainly among the least coherent stagings ever. Why is she wearing that dress? Why was there a dress change? Why are guys in motorcycle gear doing some tricks with chains (ok, this is the best part actually)? And oh my god, why is there a dress change into another dress with a puke-inducing combination of purple and green? It’s like Slovenia wanted to win the Barbara Dex award this year. That said, the song isn’t actually all that bad. It’s fairly generic, but it’s got a fairly catchy hook and a nice, enjoyable melody. I could see myself voting for this.
But I definitely couldn’t see myself voting for this, except in a poll for the worst entry ever. Listening to thise feels like dumping a bucket of diarhea on my head. I do not think there’s a single redeeming feature here. Whereas Estonia’s entry had a decent intro before the voices kicked in, this is just utter shit from the first millisecond. I rarely truly despise Eurovision songs. Even if I truly can’t stand listening to Celebrate or If We All Give A Little, I still consider them just to be terrible songs - and there are thousands other terrible songs, so why should I spare them any thought? On the other hand, this is a terrible song that was made out of hate and maice. Most Western Europeans see themselves as innately better than Eastern Europeans (because they’re arrogant fucks), so seeing Eastern Europe get better results with way better songs must’ve made everyone gnash their teeth with hatred. How could those uneducated poors be better than us? Surely, they must be cheating! Surely, we’re still better! It’s all bloc voting! How could they be beating us in the exclusive club we founded specifically to get rid of Eastern Europeans (go look at the EBU’s history - it got founded because some Western countries felt like Eastern Europe had too much say in the old European-wide union of broadcasters and left to found their own one, without any Eastern European countries. It’s also why the North of Africa and Middle East is included in the European Broadcasting Area - France wanted to include its colonies to give themselves more power). And since this won a national final, I have no doubt that people that voted for it genuinely had these kinds of thought. If it were selected internally, I might’ve been a tiny bit more lenient towards it, but this was obviously every average dullard letting their xenophobic side rise.
And you know, I can respect the way Austria handled it- they hated it and simply left to have a sulk. That’s fine. If you hate the contest, just withdraw. Nobody is forcing you to still take part. Nobody is holding you at gunpoint to keep sending songs. Especially Ireland, who’s only managed to squeeze out about five songs I consider above average in the 21st century, wouldn’t have been a great loss. It certainly would’ve been better to withdraw than send this total embarrassment. At the very least, it warms my heart to know that no new songs have been released under Dustin’s name since 2008, despite there being a decent number of hits before that. It’s what he deserved.
At least the booing at the end felt cathartic. If I were in the audience, I would’ve joined in as well, as loudly as possible. It makes me sad that we’ll never experience moments like these in modern Eurovision with the whole anti-boo thing going on. Some entries definitely deserve to be booed.
It’s also insulting that this was third in the odds to win, at least according to this article I found some time ago. Did the bookies believe that Europe would be delusional enough to vote for this?
This might not be good in and of itself, but it’s such a palate cleanser after the Irish entry. It’s just some fairly cheesy Eurodance with another absolutely hideous outfit, but it’s performed nicely and in general just feels like a fun time. I definitely don’t hate this, even if I won’t seek it out on purpose either. But it’s difficult to feel negatively about this - admittedly, it’s also difficult to feel positively about it as well.
Of all the Dutch non-qualifiers, this one actually should’ve qualified. While I almost none of them were “the worst” song of the year, a lot of them were very plain and just failed to stand out. On the other hand, this is actually a bop! It has a very good instrumental with some cool string sweeps and some vague Middle Eastern vibes and a pretty nice live performance. While a lot of the non-qualifiers I don’t dislike fall under the “nice, but I wouldn’t have voted for them either” umbrella, this is something I actually would’ve voted for. It definitely stands out very positively amongst the much poorer songs this year - and especially in this semifinal. But I still wouldn’t stick it on my playlist.
This was bad. I really didn’t enjoy most of the songs in this semifinal, though a couple were actually good. Luckily for me, the second semifinal is much better (curse you, random draw, for spreading the songs very unevenly). At least the interval act was pretty cool, with the orchestra and all that jazz. The first song was waily in all the right ways, while the second one was a lot more uplifting and fun, though still good waily. They were probably the two best songs of the evening.
The qualifier reveal was meh, though I was really happy that Finland qualified. With no true showstoppers, I can allow my genre bias to take over and cheer for the rock songs. Otherwise, I was a bit disappointed that Poland went through and San Marino was left behind, but Poland was 10th with the televote and the backup jury qualifier, so it was all fair enough. And at least it felt like most countries had a chance to qualify - Poland even got their first qualification (since they were automatic qualifiers in 2004, I don’t count that). Sadly, San Marino started their own NQ streak and Andorra continued theirs.
At first, I wondered why Vilnius was written in Cyrillic here, but a Lithuanian friend of mine said that the postcard says that he found a friend who taught him how to write the city name in Serbian.
And that’s probably the only interesting thing about this entry. The song itself is absolutely nothing to write home about. In fact, I already don’t remember it at all. All I can see in my mind is the singer’s creepy stare and ugly mullet. And also that he was extremely overdramatic. This is certainly one for the dreadfully bland pile.
This is actually very pleasant. It’s always nice to hear a song in a language that isn’t common in Eurovision (and Italian was hardly common between 1994 and 2010 - there have only been 7.something songs in Italian in that era: four from Switzerland, including this one, one from Latvia, one from San Marino, 0.5 from Romania in 2006, 0.5 from Romania this year and a 0.something from Romania in 2007). And it’s even better when the song is actually good, which this is. I might have low standards for this year due to most songs being really bad, but hell, I found this really enjoyable. He looks a bit lost on stage, but in a charming way and the instrumental has this nice feel when it speeds up in the second half, it makes me think of running through a field for some reason.
While this isn’t an absolute crime against music, it’s still pretty bad. As you all know, I don’t like it when singers try to make me have fun, which is why this song does absolutely nothing for me. The singing is kinda dreadful, the instrumental is meandering and progressionless, so I’ll just throw it in the “painfully mediocre” pile and move on. It doesn’t evoke any emotion in me, so spending any more time on criticising it would be a waste.
Now that the economic crisis has started, Belarus has gone back to not wanting to win Eurovision. Instead, they’re back to sending whatever strikes their fancy and not really hoping for much. Which is why we got this pop rock song that almost feels like it was made by Kirkorov and staged by Fokas. The verses here are really boring, but the chorus is kinda energetic and catchy. So while this isn’t a keeper, I can find some enjoyment here.
While this just throws everything and the kitchen sink together to make the performance seem more engaging than the song really deserves, it ends up being kinda fun. Not good, mind you, but not a lot of songs are this year, so I’ll take something unashamedly fun and weird.
Now, while this is a very average ballad, there’s something about her performance that makes me kinda enjoy it. At least, she feels sincere, which is important in a ballad. And, even more, the lyrics aren’t just vague inspirational dross about togetherness and peace, but rather about quite specific love she feels towards an unspecified love interest - and I couldn’t be happier about that since I can’t stand vaguely inspirational dross.
Is this “objectively” good? Probably not. Is it a total banger? Certainly, yes. It just brims with energy to the point where it becomes simply irresistible. It just has this incredibly fun energy to it that makes me want to go and dance with her. And this year, that’s enough for me to put it really high up as a lot of songs have failed to do that for me. Malta certainly deserved to qualify this year over some other songs. And I don’t even like vodka, to break the Slav stereotypes. As a drink, I find it super flavourless. It just feels like getting drunk for the sake of getting drunk.
I think this and Malta cannibalised each other’s votes. Two dancey bops with an energetic female vocalist being one right aftet the other probably meant that the voters that like this sort of song couldn’t decide which one to vote for. And it kinda makes sense as both occupy the same space for me as well. But the instrumentation here is a bit more fun, so I prefer it over Vodka. I also really like the tempo changes, they make the song feel fun and bouncy.
And so starts North Macedonia’s short streak of being fucked over by the jury wildcard system. Even though they finished 10th, the backup jury put Sweden through instead. In a way, I can understand the idea behind this: since the 9th and 10th qualifiers were the ones that heavily benefitted from bloc voting, using the backup jury to determine the final qualifier would allow all the songs that deserved to go through to go through. Now, while the fact that a former Yugoslav country was passed over in favour of Sweden is nothing unexpected with the juries, but at least the wildcard system was short-lived.
On the whole, it actually sounds more like an Albanian entry to me for some reason. I think it’s down to the instrumentation that uses a lot of strings, I always tend to associate that with Albania in Eurovision since FiK still has an orchestra. It could also be because of Tamara’s singing style, which also sounds similar to the way Albanian vocalists sound. I don’t think this is all a coincidence, there’s a lot of cultural cross-polination between Albania and North Macedonia.
And, to be honest, the song isn’t bad at all in my opinion. It’s actually a bit of a bop and I wouldn’t have minded to see this in the final. Granted, I still don’t mind that Sweden went through instead, their song is also decent. Basically, I don’t particularly care either way, but I’m glad that Tamara didn’t give up on Eurovision and came back in 2019.
Well, this sure was a semifinal of the Eurovision Song Contest. There were, admittedly, a couple really good songs, and a couple weren’t too bad - and, luckily, there wasn’t anything as offensively bad as Ireland or Estonia from semi-final 1.
Lys Assia opened the voting this time, but she also talked a lot before she did so. There was some timewasting to let people vote that I got bored of and skipped, followed by an interval act with admittedly not too bad dancing that also had an annoying oompha-pa-pah sort of beat that had zero variety to it, which made feel bored by the end of it - which means it failed as an interval act.
The qualifier reveal was nothing special. I found the incredulous tone with thich the Norwegian commentator said “Lativa???” when they qualified quite funny. I was also quite happy for Turkey and Portugal and then found it funny how most countries at the start of their half qualified, which is the opposite of how it usually happens in modern Eurovision.
The first thing we get is Marija Šerifović performing a techno remix of Molitva, which works surprisingly well. Then she performs a rock ballad, but the Russian commentators (yes, I’m actually watching this with Russian commentary, sorry, Hanne Hoftun). Then our two hosts welcome us to the final in English and French and make it extremely obvious that they’re going to get married soon. And it’s onto the songs.
I like the parts where Vlad sings, he has a nice voice, but the parts with Nico are much worse because she keeps shouting all of her lyrics. I’m not sure whom she’s trying to impress, because I find it annoying. Stop shouting at me, lady. Let the man sing. I also didn’t realise that it was in different languages for the longest time because Romanian and Italian sound very similar and I can’t understand either one equally.
And the UK managed to score last place again, this time because of a tie-break. Germany and Poland also scored 14 points, but were put ahead of the UK because they got a 12 and a 10 respectively, while the UK only got an 8 and a 6.
Even though it finished last, this is actually a really nice effort from the UK. It’s a very pleasant retro-feeling soul song with a charming performance. So why did it do so poorly? Well, it’s quite obvious: the running order. The 2nd slot isn’t known as the “death slot” for no reason. Only a very flashy and memorable song could ever hope to beat its curse and this just isn’t very memorable. Being followed by 23 more songs ensured that it would never stand a chance at a top 20 result. In general, the UK has been very unlucky with the draws in the 2000s, getting the 2nd slot in 2002, 2005 and now 2008. Still, I enjoy it, which is all that matters in these rankings.
The male Russian commentator said that he liked his haircut, to which the female commentator told him to wait as he’d have the same one in a couple years.
This is a quintessential Albanian entry. Or at least it is for me, because it has every element I usually enjoy in them. There’s a brilliant female vocalist who really feels the song and gives it her all. There’s a rocky instrumental (Albania actually does that a lot) that feels very appropriately reserved for this kind of rock ballad, but not too reserved to the point where I find it boring. And, most importantly, there’s drama. The song feels so dramatic, but not in an annoying way. It just feels passionate.
And I appreciate it even more in this field of deeply unserious and/or bland and/or bad entries. While it might’ve got lost in a different year, it shines as an example of something actually really great when you compare it with most other songs. In my opinion, 16th place for this was a crime and it easily should’ve got a much higher. And yet, it’s still Albania’s fourth best result (they also got 16th in a field of just 24 countries back in 2005 as they were pre-qualified for the final, but getting 16th in a field of 43 countries is more impressive).
Here’s another admission: I kinda like this. Sure, the live performance was terrible with almost no correct notes, but I kinda like the song itself. I remember it was on the radio from time to time and I always enjoyed it a lot when it came up. Sometimes you just want some generic, but nice pop and this definitely delivers in the studio. Still, I can’t rank it too high because of the atrocious live performance because it comes very close to being unlistenable.
Also, I recommend listening to the new 2022 version of the song (this was their first time performing it since 2008). I think it’s a lot better than the version presented at Eurovision. It starts off as a piano ballad and transitions into pop and even gains some rock elements at the end. It’s definitely a lot more interesting.
This entry annoys me. Not for any specific reason, but I just really don’t like her voice. It just causes a visceral reaction in me to the point where I just want to mute it. At least the instrumental is still not too bad, so I’ll have to rank it above some of the entries that are even worse.
And don’t get me wrong, I’m not surprised that this came fourth, it’s a genuinely appealing song to people who like this sort of thing, and you can’t vote against something, which easily explains its result.
I’m here to tell everyone that this is a masterpiece. Ok, this is a slight exaggeration, but this is actually genuinely good. I find this a very enjoyable and engaging experience from start to finish.
Even the intro is already intriguing. It has a fairly monotonous start, but it only makes me feel hyped for the way they make it more interesting. Evry time they repeat the same melody, they add something new to it. The opening with Lejla and the backing singers is extremely barebones, but it gains some more depth during the first verse and again during the second one. It makes it feel like the song is progressing forward, and you know me, progression is the main way I judge a song. But then comes the pre-chorus, the music gets quiet and then there’s one of the best drops in Eurovision. Lejla runs to the audience, throws some bouquets (oh how I wish I was in the audience to catch them) and she and Laka (her brother btw, thank you Russian commentators for informing me) begin all sorts of mayhem. After that, the melody becomes a lot quieter again as the backing vocalists take over, knitting very threateningly. Sadly, once the chorus begins again, they don’t change anything up, but they do weave the backing vocals and the chorus when it repeats for the third time. Listening to this really feels like a journey.
I also really like the live performance itself. Sure, it’s very silly, but they just want to share their silly vibes with us. It’s the kind of gimmicky performance that doesn’t annoy me at all. In fact, it all makes the song a lot more memorable and fun. I’d even go as far as to say that it gives me a boost of evergy to get through 2008. It definitely deserved to qualify and come top 10, and I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I don’t care.
I’m not a particularly huge lover of ballads (there are some that I like, but I’m mostly neutral about their existence). This is firmly on the side of “enjoy” for me though. I rarely compliment vocals, but it’s all because of his vocals. He has a very pleasant warm voice and a lovely vibrato. And the language change really works here, though Israeli entries often integrate them pretty well in general.
I got the feeling that this was the male Russian commentator’s favourite of the year with the way talked about this. He made a huge infodump about it, taking very quickly because he didn’t have a lot of time during the postcard and said that he wishes a metal group represented Russia as well, which is really cute.
Now, this is nothing short of a great metal song. While Finland’s 2006 was really propelled by its costume gimmick, this lacks anything of the sort. It’s exactly the kind of performance you’d expect to see at a metal festival of some kind. It also helps that these guys were an already experienced band that was able to give a performance like this. The fireworks and the pyro really add to this experience - I know some people are against having pyro in Eurovision, but a lot of performances genuinely benefit from it.
But, just like a lot of metal songs I like, they didn’t take themselves seriously. And I don’t just mean performance-wise, they clearly had a lot of fun with the lyrics. Now, I obviously don’t know Finnish, but I can read the translation. And while the song might seem very plain and generic, it’s very obviously tongue-in-cheek to me. Same as, for example, Manowar, they’re just being funny. The reason why I feel the need to say this is because I’ve seen more than one person call this “misogynistic” (a small minority of people loves to throw this word around willy-nilly).
Also, I’m really happy that Finland became the second Nordic to bring back their language. It has a very different flow to it, which makes listening to songs in Finnish a slightly different experience. And I specifically love metal songs in Finnish because of that flow, since it requires the composers to really work with the language (pop songs can get away with the wrong kind of flow a little easier).
Um, did I get transported to a wedding? This sounds exactly like a song your half-drunk uncle would play at your niece’s wedding with everyone picking a random key and tempo and doing their best to follow the music. And I actually mean this in a positive way! It’s certainly very Slavic - same goes for the shouting grandpa. Certainly, this isn’t the kind of song that would appeal to Western Europe at all, but I find it highly endearing.
Also, the Russian commentators said that they went on a run with 75 Cents the morning before the show and, in their opinions, he was an amazing bloke: funny, intelligent and charming. He also told them that he could deadlift 75 kg, one for every year he’s lived.
While I’m happy for Poland finally breaking their non-qualification streak, I wish it was with a different song. The Russian commentators said that she’s typically a jazz singer and oh how I wish she got to perform a jazz song here and not this dreary ballad. Don’t get me wrong, she’s got some pipes for sure, but it’s exactly the kind of bland sugary vaguely romantic stuff I dislike. The commentators even compared this song to I Will Always Love You and I can hear a lot of similarity for sure. But her singing style couldn’t be any different. At least Mariah Carry singing in a way you can understand, while Isis (she now goes by her real name Tamara btw, for obvious reasons) slurs her words together to the point where it’s hard to understand them, which annoys me even further. Still, at least the instrumental isn’t too bad. I also understand why she was a jury qualifier, so I won’t complain about that, even though the juries should’ve obviously picked San Marino.
While this is a very typical Eurodance song, it’s a really good typical Eurodance song. It definitely makes me want to bop my head along and the lyrics are actually extremely relatable. And is it a surprise, this song was penned by Paul Oscar - yes, that Paul Oscar, the 1997 entrant for Iceland. And, let’s be honest, the vocals here are on point. Sure, Regina’s enter is a bit shakey, but she quickly corrects herself, so I’m willing to let it go.
Also, this is one of those songs I definitely prefer in English. The version presented at Icelandic NF was a lot worse: the instrumental was a lot worse, a lot less tense; the costumes are atrocious; the staging is also awful, the backing dancers don’t anything and I hate the purple wing-like thing they use for a couple seconds to do a high note I also hate. This was definitely one of the best revamps, because the original version probably would’ve been close to the bottom in my rankings.
Since I’m still visiting my mum, she had a glimpse of this postcard and thought it looked really good - and tasty. This gives me a good segue into the topic of postcards, which I’ll discuss for a bit now. The idea behind the postcards was really good: showcase each country’s flag and send a message back - just like a real postcard. The execution was pretty mixed though. The messages were very difficult to read because they were often overlaid on a background of the same colour and the handwriting was mostly atrocious (it’s probably hypocritical of me to complain about someone else’s handwriting because mine’s always been awful too). Still, I appreciate the attempt to do something different, even if the execution was mixed.
Now, let’s go back to the song. I don’t think it’s any surprise that I like it. Just like with Finland’s entry, it’s a very classic rock performance. But it’s softer and more melodic, so I expect people who aren’t as used to harder rock or metal to enjoy this a lot more (granted, I won’t necessarily call Finland’s entry super hard either, but I digress, this is not a review of the Finnish entry). It’s got some very nice melodic hooks so that even people that don’t speak Turkish (and the majority of viewers almost certainly don’t). I think that’s the main reason why it did so well while Finland did so poorly. After all, you want to be remembered, otherwise people won’t vote for you.
Also, this is the last time we’re getting a song in Turkish (at least, this is true at the time of me writing this), so let’s enjoy having the language on the Eurovision stage one last time. Turkey has always done their best to make the language sound approachable and enjoyable, which was very important as it’s completely unrelated to Indo-European languages. While they haven’t always succeeded at that and got their share of nul points and last places, I still enjoyed a large number of their entries in Turkish. We’re now basically entering the era of Turkey winding down their ESC participation.
There’s actually a lot to talk about here, so strap yourselves in. Let me ask you a question: are Balkan ballads actually a thing? Is that a meaningful category of Eurovision entry? “Why’s he asking that, this is the Portuguese entry?” you might wonder. Well, there’s actually a really good reason for this. Remember Andrej Babić? I mentioned him in my reviews of Croatia 2003 and Slovenia 2007. He’s a Croatian songwriter and composer. Well, he made this entry. That’s right! This Portuguese entry was made by a Croatian.
Now, does that matter? I believe it does because its instrumentation is very transparently uses traditional Balkan instruments. There’s very little making it Portuguese aside from the language. Even then, there’s a performance where she sings the last chorus in Serbian. Be honest with me, if you only heard that snippet, you would’ve totally believed that this was an entry from Serbia and not Portugal. In addition to that, the Russian commentators actually mentioned that this was made by Babić and also said that it was based on an old Croatian legend. As such, I believe you either have to classify it as a Balkan ballad as well or just throw the whole category away as useless. Anyway, I’ll continue this discussion once I get to Serbia’s entry.
Also, let’s talk about Portugal in Eurovision a bit. For a while, they lost sight of what’s important in Eurovision. A lot of their entries were either bland or even outright bad over the past couple years. And, to be honest, it’s because FdC (their national selection) lost popularity with the viewers. In general, Eurovision suffered the same fate it did in most Western European countries - since Eastern Europe hogged the spotlight so much, Westerners became bitter and stopped trying at all. The only reason why Portugal actually decided to care this year was the fact that they almost qualified in 2007 from the semifinal of doom. That must’ve given them a kick to realise that they actually could do well if they sent a song that appealed to most of Europe.
And appeal it did. This actually got the silver in the semifinal, certainly helped by the draw made to minimise bloc voting - which was a real thing, I won’t deny that. I often make fun of people blaming everything on bloc voting, but it was definitely a thing. A lot of the countries in semifinal 2 were left without any voting partners, which meant they had to vote based on song quality alone. But it was also helped by closing the semifinal, which meant it was fresh in everyone’s mind. You can see that its result became much worse after it was drawn to perform in the middle and not at the end. Honestly though, if this was performed 24th instead of Russia, I think we would’ve been in Lisbon in 2009. It’s quite a running order-dependent song that got a little overshadowed by more flashy numbers that came after it.
Still, it’s absolutely gorgeous. It has a rich instrumentation and an incredible sense of progression. I especially love the build-up before each chorus. It’s just borderline orgasmic with the way it builds and builds and builds and then releases all in one go. The best part? The instrumetal does sound sea-like. All of the build-up happens in waves outside of the pre-chorus. It builds up and releases, it builds up and releases and that goes on for the whole song. In a way, this keeps me engaged for the full three minutes. It’s, as some people say, a full package. And that includes the staging, which takes full advantage of the LED screens available without coming off as gaudy (like so many other songs this year). And also the backing singers, who don’t just stand there, but actually move on stage to create extra drama and you’ve got something really special. Also, I know that some people find her intense facial expressions off-putting, but I actually think they add to the performance.
Oh, also, I recommend checking out this cover by Vladana (the 2022 participant for Montenegro). She manages to put a little spin on it to make it her own while also staying faithful to the original.
This feels like being transported to an eight-year-old’s birthday party. To me, it’s certainly among the worst entries this year for a plethora of reasons. First of all, it’s dreadfully unfunny. Like yeah, haha, pirates, I get it. I don’t think I’ve ever smiled while watching this - and I don’t remember it from 2008, so my seven-year-old self must not have liked it either. Secondly, the music is just horrible, especially because it has an annoying thumping beat that makes my head hurt. In general, this is one of the least compelling instrumentals I’ve ever heard and everything about it makes me angry. Certainly, this is among the worst joke entries ever, though it isn’t even the worst joke entry this year. I’m also disappointed in Roberto Meloni, who went from Questa notte last year to this.
I’ve come around on this entry a bit. While I used to consider it boring as hell, I actually came to realise that this is decent. It’s performed pretty well, especially considering that she was told that her husband was cheating on her, so, all things considered, she held herself admirably. Besides, it’s actually a very good pop song. Certainly not a showstopped, but a very good palate cleanser after Latvia. In general, it stands out pretty favourably among other entries. Still, I don’t really love it, I just respect it.
There’s something about this song that causes visceral hatred in me. It could be annoying stompy beat that pounds on my ears and causes a headache. It could be his dislikeable smug performance, especially at the end when he’s jumping. It could be the way he stretches out the vowels in “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight loooooooooooooong”. I can’t exactly say why I’m annoyed, but it’s definitely my “bitch eating crackers” song where every part annoys me individually and when put together.
Wow, two entries I hate in a row. Must be my lucky day! While the chorus here is mildly rousing (I’ll give it some credit, I’m not made of hate), the verses are insanely drab and dreary and make for one of the worst listening experiences ever. Add to that the way she pronounces “peace” as “piss” and the weird backing dancers and you get something truly off-putting. That said, I’ll give her a tiny bit of credit for going on stage as a blind person, that couldn’t have been very easy.
Granted, the irony of a Putin supporter singing about peace while representing Georgia a couple months before Russia invaded Georgia. The fact that she supported the invasion (as well as the annexation of Crimea and the invasion of Ukraine) only makes it worse. While I usually try to focus on music, it’s impossible to fully detach from the songwriter’s/performer’s beliefs. After all, they’re the ones imbuing a song with meaning and emotion, so if their “vibes” are off, then the song’s vibes will also be off. Which means that the real-life context makes me enjoy this song even less, even if I didn’t like it at all in the first place.
God, it’s so weird to see Ani Lorak (her real name is Karolina, her stage name is just her real name backwards) doing anything under the Ukrainian flag. She’s been living in Russia for a while, collaborating with Russian artists, touring Russia and so on, so she lost the favour of most Ukrainians. That said, since the music is just a normal dance bop, this fact doesn’t ruin it anywhere near as much for me as with the Georgian entry.
On the whole, this is a very typical Kirkorov composition - it just oozes his style. I can’t exactly put my finger on it, but every Kirkorov composition sounds typically Kirkorov, which sometimes makes me believe that he only knew how to make a single style of music. It’s also very obviously staged by everyone’s favourite stage director Fokas Evangelinos. You can easily tell it by a huge prop that people interact with, as well as backing dancers also being used as props.
Basically, it’s a very typical entry. I wouldn’t say it’s original in any way. Alright, it’s original in the sense that Eurovision requires - it was created from scratch for the competition - but it’s just super derivative of other songs of a similar genre. The only person I can truly compliment is Ani, who’s a true vocal powerhouse while dancing on high heels. I can’t help but respect her as a performer, despite her shortcomings as a person.
Also, my mum commented that Ani Lorak looked really good. Clearly, she said, Ani had a lot of work done on her. Ad I trust her since she’s worked with all of the dermatology stuff for over a decade, so if she says something like this, it’s likely to be true. Still, as a hugely popular artist, trying to make yourself look as well as you possibly can is understandable.
This is one of the “what the fuck is this?” songs, but I mean it in a positive way. Clearly, the French broadcaster just didn’t care and gave Sébastien full creative control over everything. After he exercised it, the politicians got angry because his song was fully in English, he decided to take the piss and add a very superficial line in French.
In general, this is just Sébastien having fun and not caring about a thing in the world. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that he paid for most of it out of his own pocket as I doubt the French broadcaster would be that keen on having a golf cart on stage or having a beard and a mustache on the backing singers.
And, guess what, I like it. While I don’t like it anywhere near as much as France’s entry last year, I still find it a lot of fun. It’s certainly one of the most creative entries this year and it never fails to make me laugh. My favourite part is probably the “bababap"s from the backing singers at the start, they sound so cute. My second favourite part is definitely the line in French because it’s hilarious. Take that, retrograde politicians.
Also, after the show finished, the female Russian commentator said that this was her favourite of the show, while the male commentator said that Sébastien is a very weird person, but I don’t think he meant it negatively.
This is definitely one of the most divisive entries of modern Eurovision. It’s also definitely one of the most memorable entries of this year’s contest. And I know that memorable ≠ good, but it dared to actually be interesting and exciting. I probably enjoy this more than I should, but even the opera parts don’t annoy me too much. At the very least, I prefer it to all of the bland crap I’ve been subjected over these reviews. It makes me glad that Azerbaijan qualified. And I don’t believe they were cheating at this point yet, it would’ve been very easy to qualify out of the first semi-final because it was absolutely terrible. So yeah, well done, Azerbaijan. Now you’ll start sending Swedish-made radio pop for some reason.
I’ve never enjoyed this. While I’ve stopped disliking it as much over the years (singing it in a karaoke for New Year while absolutely piss drunk probably helped a lot), I still don’t like it. I guess the best way to put it would be “mildly negative”. My main issue is that Kalomira is so smug and dislikeable that I just can’t turn off my brain while watching the performance and vibe. She just has these “American showbiz” mannerisms that I find totally charmless, which makes sense since she grew up in America. Again, I understand why it scored so well, but I don’t care for it at all.
While I’m not a huge fan of this, I still think it’s funny. For a joke entry, it’s actually composed pretty well: the melody is enjoyable and varied, I especially like the synths. It’s also catchy, which always helps - and not in an annoying way, unlike, say, the Latvian entry. It’s also performed really nicely. The backing dancers add a lot to it and Rodolfo is surprisingly charming.
And yet, I wish La Revolución Sexual (here’s the NF performance) won instead. As a song, it’s a lot more interesting, at least to me. I genuinely think Spain could’ve troubled the top 5 with it.
Let’s continue the discussion about Balkan ballads. If any song is going to be called a Balkan ballad, it’s this song. It was made by the king of Balkan ballads, our host Željko Joksimović. And yet, I’m going to present the final piece of evidence: the Portuguese version of this song. I don’t know about you, but I think I wouldn’t have realised that it was Balkan in any way if that was the version I’d heard first. As another example, people keep calling Ramonda from 2024 a Balkan ballad and I just don’t think it is. Sure, it’s a ballad from the Balkans, but it isn’t a Balkan ballad. In my opinion, people are heavily biased because of the language of the performance.
I started having these thoughts because a friend once pointed out that the term “Balkan ballad” is nonsense and gave me these examples. And the more I thought about it, the more I agreed with her. You might notice that I haven’t used the term “Balkan ballad” once in my reviews - that was on purpose. And, I have to say, after I laid this all out, I have to conclude that I agree with her - the idea of “Balkan ballad” being a meaningful term isn’t something I agree with.
Alright, now that this is covered, let’s get to the song. Regardless of whether it’s a Balkan ballad or not, it’s gorgeous. It’s full of incredible depths, and it only takes the song until the first chorus to show them. However, it still starts dialled back and unflashy, as many good songs do. My favourite parts are definitely the intros to the chorus, when the song goes all loud and majestic after a lot more minimalistic verses. I also actually like the beat introduced in the second verse, it adds to the sense of progression.
Overall, it’s even less flashy than Lejla and I really appreciate it for that. I think this is his best entry so far, but not his best entry overall (stay tuned for which one I consider the best).
This is one of the few entries I remember from 2008, and that’s not because I absolutely loved it. Sure, I was happy that it won, I really enjoyed it back then, but the real reason I remember it is because it was promoted very aggressively. The music video was always playing on the TV, every radio station played the song - it was basically inescapable. And I’m 10000% percent sure that the same went for other neighbours of Russia. They invested so much money into promoting it that it doesn’t surprise me at all that they got a lot of their votes from their neighbours - the investment paid off. Most viewers in those countries watched the contest familiar with just two entries: their country’s entry, which they couldn’t vote for, and the Russian entry, which they actually could vote for. And the familiarity factor won over the novelty factor. Was it wrong of them to do that? Well, not at all, at least in my opinion. With the aggressive promotional campaigns some entries have these days, one could say they were simply ahead of the curve.
That said, this is probably the winner that has aged the least gracefully. Every time I rewatch it, I like it less and less. There’s just a certain dullness to it that makes me yawn every time I see it. I also just can’t stand the smug vibe Dima has here. He’s even more dislikeable than Kalomira here. It just feels like everything here is about him, he doesn’t share any positive energy with the audience. And I have to wonder why, he was a lot more likeable in his 2006 performance. That said, the staging is cool. I like the ice skater and the violinist (I know their names, I just don’t want to write them out). It really does feel like Russia pushed the staging envelope further with this performance.
So, was the win deserved? Ehhhhh, it’s hard to say. Clearly, people all over Europe liked it, not just Russia’s neighbours. After all, it got points from 37 countries, it was only blanked by what we consider “Northern Europe” (the UK, Ireland, Denmark, Sweden, Iceland) and the Sammarinese jury. I love it when the televote exposes clear cultural differences between the different regions of Europe. So I’d say it was deserved. After all, the song leaves a very positive first impression, which helped Western Europeans, while it was promoted really well in Eastern Europe, so the familiarity factor boosted it there.
And we close with a refreshingly normal song. For the longest time, I didn’t really care about it, but I’ve been feeling a little down a couple months ago and this proved to be an incredible mood lifter. So now I actually really like it - it only took me 16 years for that. It’s a total opposite of Russia, in a way, because it feels very sincere. She really does want me to hold on and be strong (I’ve been holding on for 42 songs already, what’s one more). It’s actually among the songs I’d classify as “good” this year.
Was this the worst year of all time? Well, not really, 1965, 1988 and 2001 were all worse. But this had a lot of absolutely terrible songs. Luckily for me, 2009 is much much much better, which is why I managed to get through this year so easily.
The interval act was quite cute: a folk ensemble playing folk music. I enjoyed it, even though it was nowhere near as good as the interval acts from the past couple years. But it definitely wasn’t bad. After that, Little Svante gave the green light for the voting and off we went, to the 43 spokespersons, waiting to give their 8s, 10s and 12s to their neighbours. As always, I skipped through the voting a bit, but the commentators always kept a cheery tone, even when Russia didn’t get any points. When the UK (the first country to vote) didn’t give them any points, they just laughed it off. When Russia got low points, they still thanked the country and said that they still were ranked among the 10 best countries (according to them, the quality of the songs this year was great - everyone is entitled to their own opinions, so I won’t comment on that - so even being among the top 10 is a great achievement). When Russia got one of the high points (i.e. 8, 10 or 12), they cheered and screamed and generally expressed a lot of happiness. When one of their personal favourites got points, they also cheered - there was definitely a lot of happiness for Finland, France, Turkey and Serbia in the Russian booth that year. They also made some very funny sounds when Bulgaria gave 12p to Germany.
In general, the voting was very scattered, which often indicates a poor quality of songs. There wasn’t a lot of agreement on what was the best one, so the top 3 was very fluid for the first half of the voting. Greece often stayed on top, but it sometimes got overtaken by Turkey or Russia. By the second half, Russia established itself as a clear leader, but it was still possible for Greece or Ukraine to win until the votes from Lithuania (which was the 38th country to vote) made Russia the definitive winner. I can’t say I’m particularly upset about that, since I believed that Believe was a great winner for years.
Therefore, I’ll see you all in Moscow for a much better set of songs.
I’ll also be putting the results for each song in its respective semifinal from now on for your convenience.